At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
