I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
