i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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