im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
