If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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