he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
