Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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