my phone needs a breathalizer
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
