Im at strip club and am horny
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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