Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
