I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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