saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
