my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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