I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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