Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
