Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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