How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
