I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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