Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
50% drunk capacity currently
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
