why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
