I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
