So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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