It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
