I will die if light touches me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
