watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
