If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We got so high we made milksteak
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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