sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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