just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
