I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
