I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
