I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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