I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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