Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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