Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
