Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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