Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
