ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
