Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
