I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Liz is crying about burritos again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
