Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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