fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
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