I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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