Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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