I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
