Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
