I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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