I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
