I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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