The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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