why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
