he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
