she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
