I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
